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THE
SELF-DECEPTION COMMON TO THOSE WHO HAVE
Those abandoning their spouses because of hardened hearts, are
often self-deceived. They are usually familiar with the biblical
prohibitions against divorce, so violate their consciences to pursue it.
They therefore must rationalize their decision to separate from their
partner. Over the years I have discovered the same basic excuses are
used by most of those seeking divorce. These justifications generally
fall into 5 categories: 1.
- They may first try to exempt
themselves from their marital responsibilities. 2.
- They may cite God's support and approval of their actions. 3.
- They may try to discredit or invalidate
their marriage. 4.
- They will cite the support of
others. 5. - They
may outright rebel with
little rationalization offered. It
should be obvious for anyone with a knowledge of what the Bible says
about marriage why each of the following excuses is invalid. 1.
THEY MAY FIRST TRY TO EXEMPT THEMSELVES FROM THEIR MARITAL
RESPONSIBILITIES: "God
doesn't expect me to go back when I'm this much in pain." "If
I ever go back it will be quite a while from now, because
healing will take a long time." "I
don't need correction now. I need support and understanding for the hard
time I'm going through." "I'm
not able to "repent"
of anything. I'm hurting too much." "Don't
talk to me about repentance! Look at what he's done!" "Before
I can think about returning I first need my independence. Once the
divorce is final I'll be free to think about returning." "I've
got rights to expect him to meet my needs. If he doesn't love me as
Christ loved the church, then I don't have to submit." "If
she doesn't submit to me then I don't have to love her as Christ loves
the Church." "I
just don't love him/her any more and there's no hope of it happening
again." "It
could never really work. I could never love them." "God
has forgiven me. I'm under his grace. Although my spouse wants me back,
the mistakes of the past are gone and I have a fresh start. I'm under no
obligation to go back." "It's
behind me now. Let's go on from here." "I've
met someone else who really understands me. They really meet my needs.
My "ex" never really could." "I've
met someone else who is a good listener. My relationship with them
requires no effort at all." "You don't know what I've been through! You just don't understand!" "It's better for the children." "It's not the unforgivable sin." 2.
THEY MAY TRY TO CITE
GOD'S SUPPORT & APPROVAL OF THEIR ACTIONS: "God
wants me to be happy." "I
know I'm doing what God wants me to do, because I'm happier now than
I've been in years". "I
know God can't want me to go back into that situation." "I've
prayed about it and I know God's leading me to get this divorce". "Sure
I want what God wants, but I know He doesn't want me back in that
relationship....and for me to believe that He did
would require that He speak to me through a personal
visitation." "The
Bible says that God won't let me be tested beyond what I can bear, and
this is more than I can bear, so it must be God's will for me to divorce
my mate." 3.
THEY MIGHT TRY TO DISCREDIT OR INVALIDATE THEIR MARRIAGE: "We
were out of God's will when we married." "We
got married for the wrong reasons. We have nothing in common. I never
really loved him." "I
know God had in mind for me to marry someone else. We should never have
married in the first place." "We
were married on paper, but we haven't been married in
our hearts for years." "We
didn't know what we were getting into when we got married." "I
didn't mean my vows." 4.
THEY WILL CITE
THE SUPPORT OF FRIENDS AND PASTORS: "I've
found friends who understand me. They've been through similar
things." "I
find myself ministering to others who are going through the same
thing." "I
don't know where the Bible says it, but Pastor So and So says that what
I'm doing is biblical." "I've
had it with Christians! They
claim to be so loving, but I find more acceptance and understanding from
unbelievers." 5.
THEY MAY OUTRIGHT REBEL WITH LITTLE RATIONALIZATION OFFERED: "I've
lived to please God all these years. Now it's time to please me." "I
tried to be a submissive wife, but it didn't work. I'm not going to take
a chance and get burnt again." "I tried to be loving and tolerant, but it didn't work -- she never changed. I'm through being the one who gets walked on." "I
don't care what God says. I'm doing what I want to do!" "I
will not tolerate him any more. I won't put up with who he is." "Sure
I forgive him, but I won't go back to him." "Oh,
I don't hold anything against her, but I'm not going back!" "I
know I love him, I hope he's doing well. Just don't tell me to go back
to him." "I'm
sorry my leaving hurt him, but I won't go back." "Yes,
I know my leaving causes pain. I hope there's real
hurt...after what's been done to me!" "I
tried to get him to meet my needs for years. Now I'm
in the driver's seat." "Don't
talk to me about what God wants. I'm mad at God." THE
MOST DANGEROUS OF ALL LIES BELIEVED BY THE CHRISTIAN: " "This separation is only temporary." Excerpted
from “Help for the Struggling Marriage” by Reb Bradley
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